Caucasian Adventures!

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  • Stretch Hummers, baby, all the way.
  • While the honorable John Kim has indeed enumerated many of the major deities of the Caucasians, he has (I submit) neglected a very important one:

    Bugs Loki, Trickster God

    While an important member of the Caucasian pantheon, Bugs does not have worshipers so much as he has adherents, a fact that causes many scholars to neglect him entirely. He may take any form, but most often appears as a rabbit or a coyote. The Afrikaans cult knows him as a spider called 'A. Nancy'; whether they are misguided or whether this is some sort of elaborate prank on the part of Bugs is unknown. Important priests of Bugs include St. Rubik, whose Cube of Puzzlement artifacts may still be found today. These cubes take the form of a puzzle (impossible to solve) and are left with valuables to protect them from Loki's minions (imps, pixies, and griefers). The minions, intent on stealing the valuables, find the Cube irresistible, and attempt to solve it. As this is impossible, they are stymied, and disappear with the dawn. Also well-known is St. Pajitnov, who tricked his Communist oppressors with falling blocks and caused them to destroy the Berlin Wall.
  • Despite a noble effort, I'm not sure any of this has eclipsed the humor value conveyed by the original photo.
  • Lyrics to a possibly-applicable song:

    Well I heard that other countries are down on the U.S.
    A land of milk and honey our lives filled with excess
    But my grandaddy didn't die on Normandy that day
    For the right to drive a Hyundai
    He refused to live that way

    And I'm proud to be an American who gets just five mpg
    Though I live alone, the car I own can sit a hundred 3
    I will gladly park so close to you that when you pull out you can't see
    No I'll never trade my Escalade
    God bless my S.U.V.

    Well the road may have congestion but I'll make it there alive
    So don't bother me with questions like 'What Would Ghandi Drive?'
    And you won't catch me in Starbucks to get a drink or snack
    When I bought this ship
    She came equipped
    With a Starbucks in the back

    And I'm glad to be an American with a car that fits my rear
    The cash I put down could have fed a town in Somalia for a year
    I'd gladly go and fight Saddam, he'd lose a war with me
    You'll be stuck in mud when he sends his scud
    But not my S.U.V.!
  • Posted By: LarryDespite a noble effort, I'm not sure any of this has eclipsed the humor value conveyed by the original photo.
    If a picture is worth a thousand posts... we'd better hurry up. :)
  • Looks like we've got our first web supplement:

    To better help you understand your character's motivations, here's Stuff White People Like. :)
  • Posted By: Stuff White People LikeAlso note: white people will wait up to 40 minutes for a good sandwich.
    Can't... stop... laughing... So wrong... but so funny...
  • I can't believe no one's referenced
    imageI can't believe no one's referenced
    Martin Mull's A History of White People in America yet.

    Not only funny, but a thick slice of 80's white culture itself.

    Also the gods list desperately needs

    Ronreagan -- God of War.
    Depicted as an old white man in a brown suit, Ronreagan is worshipped for his gift of leadership, which allows his followers to wield motley assortments of white folks into fanatical battle formations. C
  • They made a TV show!

  • This thread still represents our finest hour.
  • I know we're going for broad strokes, but I think we're getting bogged down in obscure activities no one's very interested in such as the auto-motive industry, when we could be working on what makes the game playable, such as the role of the Geeman.

    Geeman (Plural: geeman) are an ancient clan of Virginia. When a peasant farmer has turned 16, they are visited in a mystical vision by Harry Truman wearing his majestic ski-mask and prom dress, telling the boy that he must now take up the mantle of the geeman, and trade in his daisy dukes for the mystical Geeman-soot.

    Geeman are than trained in the mystical arts of stealth, deception and trickery, such as killing everyone in the room with their tazer-swords or mind controlling people with wristwatches, technology they have learned from their mystical pacts with the lizard people and three headed demon dog frankenstien computer.
  • Caucasian Weapons:

    Desert Eagle: Damage: 2d10. Special: Any solid object hit by a Desert Eagle will explode on a d6 roll of 2+.
    Katana: Damage: 3d10. Special: Unlike ordinary Katana, Caucasian Katana are able to cut through any substance, scoring an automatic kill on a 2+.
    Uzi: Damage: 2d10 Special: Can make up to five attacks per round, never runs out of ammo.
    Automobile: Damage: 5d10: Special: Driver must make an attack roll every round.
    Sniper Rifle: Damage: Yes. Special: Automatically hits.
  • edited June 2008
    Posted By: MatthijsWhat Feats do you get when you're a Sun God cleric from Oz?
    You get to throw phones and you get a fame-based bonus to avoiding the "detect whackjob" spell.
  • edited June 2008
    I happened across this fine recording of the Caucasia National Anthem. Enjoy.
  • edited June 2008
    Sniper Rifle: Damage: Yes.
    Heh... nice :)

    Could also be:

    Sniper Rifle: Damage: Lots
  • edited June 2008
    Hot Dogs
    These torture devices were created by Supreme Lawgiver Archmage Felix Frankfurter to extract confessions from heretics. These tube shaped devices are crafted from the flesh of the rare Coney Dog, a magical cross between the Great American Horned Jackalope and the long bodied Weiner Dog.

    The secrets of their creation has been handed down to the heir of Frankfurter, Nathan Famous Frankfurter who guards it jealously. Annually, a competition his held before Castle Frankfurter where volunteers torture themselves with the dread devices for the entertainment of the court. The contestant that posesses the greatest fortitude is granted an artifact of great power: The Mustard Yellow Belt.

    Edit- Typographical confusion
  • It seemed appropriate to resurrect this old gem.
  • It is truly Story Games at its best.
  • Indeed. This thread is what introduced me to Story Games in the first place.
  • So when are we going to see this in print?
  • 270913946_efa38ec3d8.jpg

    Man, that's crazy amazing.
  • "In a world where the minority population has reached 40%. In a time, when the property values could plummet uncontrollably....It's time to move on!"
    -Teaser Text from the up-coming Caucasian Adventures supplement: White Flight!
  • I believe there's already a sourcebook out for this game: Stuff White People Like.

    I believe if you advance Jogging to a high-enough rank you can buy Power-Walking for super cheap. You get major penalties to save versus Free-Trade Gourmet Coffee, though.
  • I think white people are a lot like Dark Elves from Warhammer.
  • In response to the map: CANADA IS DIFFERENT DAMNIT.

    Sorry. It was part of my conditions of citizenship that I have to huffily insist on this anytime it comes up. Also, I have to say sorry. Probably twice. Sorry!

    Coming soon, the splatbook. Canada: It's Different, Damnit! Sorry.

  • Everything Americans know about Canada they learn from South Park.


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